In the Shadow of the Holocaust: The Second Generation

Hédi Fried
Stockholm, Sweden

I am a Holocaust Survivor, who ended up living in Sweden. After a life filled with other kinds of work, at the age of 53 I decided to get a degree in Psychology. Seven years later I became the Director of Café 84, a psychosocial daycare center for Survivors, and another five years later I started Therapy with the Second Generation. I also started the Dialogue Seminars, where Children of Survivors would meet other "children's" parents, and vice versa, to ask questions they could not pose in their own families.

Documentation of this work is now being published in Sweden under the title "A Third Life; From an Earthquake in the Soul to a Meaningful Life." In this paper, I will try to translate some excerpts of this work, and hopefully in time, the whole book will be translated into English.

As we all know from the writings of Helen Epstein, Children of Survivors of the Holocaust feel the weight of "the Black Box" but it takes very long until they realize, that this might have a connection to the past of their parents. When this dawns on the by now grown up "Child", he would start to play with the thought of joining a Second Generation group, but it is a long process to get there. Once in a group, many children will experience an euphoric feeling when they realize that many others share the same problems. A feeling of having found a long lost family arises, a feeling of belonging: for the first time in life to have found a group where one is not an outsider.

Stéphane was one of the first who joined the group. Stéphane, the son of a Survivor from Hungary and a Swede from a Northern village, was baptized and educated, without knowing to much about the past of his mother. He was a teenager when he found out that his mother was Jewish, and a Survivor of the Holocaust. As he tells us, he has always felt that their family was different from the families of his friends, and now, as he found out why, got more and more interested in this background. However, not until he joined our group did he start to work with it actively.

He is married to a gentile woman, and when he joined our group he had three children. In the group he expresses his fear to be identified as a Jew- he is afraid that if this fact becomes public, something terrible is going to happen. He cannot answer the question, what this terrible thing might be, but goes on fearing it. His fear is increased by his mother, who is apprehensive about Stéphane joining a Jewish group, and keeps repeating that he should think thoroughly about the dangers this could imply for his children.

He repeatedly tells us about his terror coming to our meetings. Every time he has to cross the street and enter the gate of the Jewish Center where we meet, he gets panicked. In his imagination there are Nazis all over, who only wait for a Jew entering the gate so they can attack him. After our session, sitting in the underground, he feels great relief. It takes a year before he first stopped thinking of this danger.

As time passes, Stéphane gets more and more certain about his Jewish identity, and although still somewhat afraid, he buys a necklace with a Magen David and wears it, at first hidden under his shirt. Getting bolder, he will wear it visibly, and the admiration of the group encourages him. A period starts, when he grieves over his weakness, not being able openly to affirm his Jewishness. He tells us about an incident, when somebody uttered anti-Semitic thoughts in his presence, without him being able to let this person know that he, Stéphane, was a Jew. He is ashamed of his cowardice, but some months later, he can tell us that a similar situation came up, and this time he spoke up, pointing out the prejudices of that person. The group is very impressed, and their admiration gives him great satisfaction.

Now he is starting to play with the thought of leaving the Swedish Church. He confronts people in his surroundings, who express themselves derogatorily about minorities or immigrants more and more openly, and after a few months he comes out of the closet- he openly declares at his work, that he is a Jew. He was expecting an earthquake, and tells us gladly that nothing happened. Nobody cared. This strengthens him, and helps him to a final decision: He leaves the Swedish Church, applies for entrance into the Jewish Community, both he and his boys get circumcised, and when a fourth child is expected, he decides to have her brought up in the Jewish faith from the beginning.

Stéphane was not the only one in the group who had problems with his identity. It seems that in Sweden, this is the main issue, when children of Survivors look for therapy. Thus, our group being quite homogeneous, members could help one another, and slowly more and more participants would find their identity in one way or other. However, many other issues are present, and besides group therapy, the Dialogue Seminars and trips to Auschwitz were of great help in working through.

Identity:

It is quite natural that the Second Generation should have identity problems. If we follow the identity development as per E. Homburger-Ericsson, we understand that parents, marked by the traumatic experiences of the Holocaust, replanted in a foreign country, can hardly help their children pass successfully through the five developmental phases. My experience is that if the parents managed to work through their own traumas, there is a better chance for their child to achieve identity. If this is not the case, the Second Generation has to do the working through, in order to find their own borders, to enable them having durable relations, to become good parents to their own children, and not to carry on the problems to the next generation.

Breaking the silence within the family is very difficult, and therefore the Dialogue Seminar is a good substitute. However, the child ought to hear the history of his own family, so he will get a feeling he can convey to his offspring. This is very painful for both the first and the second generations, and therefore it can very seldom be achieved. How important it is to be able to share one another's pain was shown when one of the participants in the Dialogue told us that the highlight of the Seminar for him was when the tear-filled eyes of the first and the second generations could meet, sharing this pain. Within the family this is more difficult. The silence creates a wall between parent and child that is very difficult to abolish. Either the parent does not want to show "weakness" in front of the child, he wants to keep his integrity, or he went through such a powerful trauma that it is impossible for him to talk about it with the child. An example might be somebody who watched his own father enter the crematoria, or a mother who saw her baby been thrown against a wall.

Often the first generation cannot understand that their own traumas caused the problems of the child. There are no second-generation problems, they would say, generational differences are the same in all times in all families. This is true in a way. Mutual understanding is blocked through the generational gap and also by cultural differences. However in Survivor families these are always deepened by the shadow of the Holocaust. Difficulties in communication between old and young are the same within all cultures, while the cultural gap is present in all immigrant families. Children growing up within the culture of the new country, while the parents still dwell in the culture of the old one, present problems. Words and conceptions have different connotations in different countries, which either parent or child is aware of- such as shame, guilt and respect.

Shame:

In Eastern Europe and France, the behaviour of a person is regulated by the acceptance or non-acceptance of his surroundings. Morally dubious actions can be performed as long as these are not discovered. Shame has a moral aspect- one accepts the judgement of his fellow man about right and wrong. The group is the norm. There is always somebody or something to be blamed for one's own shortcomings, if not people than fate. The opposite is true for Western Countries, where the spirit of Luther rules. The individual is always responsible for his deeds, every person is his own judge. It is one's own conscience that regulates one's actions, and wrong deeds evoke guilt. Many a conflict will have its root in this fact. Annick Sjögren, a French-born Swedish anthropologist, points out that in French there is no expression for "I have bad conscience".

Respect:

The parent takes respect for granted when it comes to old people, while the notion that even small children should be respected belongs to Western countries. In Hungary and Rumania (possibly also Poland) saying "I respect him" means "I esteem him", older people have to be respected, while the young have to be "educated". According to this view, children are only empty shells, worth respect after they have been filled with knowledge, wisdom or money. This points also to the contrast between the family-centred background of the first generation, and the individual-centred present of the second generation.

Separation:

The parents have difficulties in letting go, cutting the spiritual umbilical cord, finding their own interests when the children grow up. They continue to live through their children, finding it difficult to accept that in this new world, the word family does not incorporate the grandparents, but means only mother, father and child. The pressure from the parent is so suffocating, that very often the child cannot see another way but to sever the contact. If this time is used for therapy, very often the insight will reach him, that it must be him who has to cut the cord, accept that the parents are too old to be changed, and resume the contact. If he does so, he will notice a change in the relationship that became devoid of the subdued feeling of [being?] a child.

Trust:

Lack of trust is very common in the second generation. This might have two reasons: The experience of the parents, of never being able to trust people is unconsciously (sometimes consciously) transmitted. However, this might also have developed because of bad attachment (mother's depression, lack of mirroring) during the baby's first three months.

Mirroring:

A strong feeling of not be seen and confirmed by parents is often present. This can also be the result of mother's possible post-Holocaust depression as above, but also of the fact, that the psychological development of the parent halted during the Holocaust. These parents, who were children or young teenagers at that time, still need confirmation themselves. Not having their own parents, they turn to their own children, not being aware of the children's needs. Children will end up parenting their own parents.

At the same time children cannot feel the unconditioned love they would expect from a parent. Even if not spelled out, there is an expectancy in the air, something the children feel is requested of them: to get married, to have children, to achieve a carrier, to get rich, in one word the sentence "Be Happy", although not spelled out, lingers in the air.

Aggression:

Very often the second generation complain of an aggressiveness they do not know where it comes from or what to do about. Aggressiveness can also have its root in the feeling of not being seen. "Why do we shout at our parents?" one of the members of my group asked giving himself the answer "we need to raise our voice, so we know that we are being heard". Another explanation may be that the aggression towards the perpetrators is unconsciously channelled towards the parents, the self or others. The third one is that aggressivity may hide feelings of guilt within both generations.

Guilt:

Children feel guilt, not being able to compensate the parents for their suffering. There is also guilt for their own shortcomings, for not being able to fulfill the parents' expectations. Parents in their turn, feel guilt about their own powerlessness, not having been able to offer the right conditions for the "happiness" of the child.

Overprotection:

There are many signs of overprotection. The first one is silence. Not wanting to hurt the child, the parent will not tell about his experiences during the Holocaust. As this works both ways, the child will not want to cause distress for the parent, and thus refrain from asking. As a result the "conspiracy of silence" will be a fact.

The parent is exaggeratedly concerned about the health and well being of the child, which will be noticed without understanding why. However, growing up, he will tend to overprotect the parent, often to the point when he refrains from having his own life.

Repetition:

It is quite common that the second generation tend to repeat the behaviour of the parent. This is upsetting, as problems a "child" once had suddenly become problems with their own children. The same behaviour that is resented with the parent, will stamp the rearing of their own offspring, e.g. exaggerated concern about food, about the time to be at home, about not causing distress, i.e. silence, overprotection, fear. Although they are aware of it, it is difficult to break the pattern. Emma, a 50 years old single mother, who always complained about her mother fussing about food and the safety of her daughter, is now inconsolable when her 20 year old son does not come home for meals, or when she does not know where he is.

The Dialogue

The themes that emerge between parents and children during the Dialogue seem to mirror each other:

Second Generation	First generation
Why did you not tell? Why did you not ask? We wanted to spare you We need to feel your pain	We did not want to make you sad. They never talk to us. They never listen to us We need our integrity

At the end of the day we get the following evaluation:

First Generation

I came with the understanding that I don't have anything to learn, I just wanted to help the second generation, but now I know better.
When I gave voice to my son, I said what I thought he would say, I thought I knew him well, and that we have no problems in communication. Now I am not so sure.
It was very revealing, it gave me insights into my sore points I denied for such a long time.
We have not really understood our children.
It is important to talk about feelings
Questions are not taboo.
It is relieving to feel understood.
I start to understand how my son sees me.
I am going home and tell my daughter about my experiences.

Second Generation

I have often been depressed, but today I shed tears.
I can feel that I am growing up.
It was relieving that our tear-filled eyes could meet.
The day awoke new questions.
Relieving to show sensibility and weakness, and see the same with the first generation.
The generations got a mutual language for something they lacked words
I can put words to hitherto mysterious feelings.
I can better understand the first generation.
I understand that I must choose my own way.
I can see parallels to my relationship to men.
I feel strengthened.
Now I dare to talk to my parents.
It feels like work for peace.

The trip to Auschwitz:

I would like to recommend to all Children of Survivors- a trip to Auschwitz. The trips we made brought about dramatic changes. The insight that reality must have been worse than all fantasies made one of the participants decide to reinstate the contact with her mother, whom she had not seen for eight years. Another realised that also the Poles have suffered and thus re-evaluated her prejudices. A third one suddenly understood the roots of his own free-floating aggressions, while somebody else became aware of the origins of the silence in the family- the great love of the parent.

Bibliography

Erikson, E. Homburger: Identity; Youth and Crisis, W.W. Norton & Co Inc., Austen

Fried, H.: The Road to Auschwitz; Fragments of a Life, Nebraska Univ. Press, Bisom Books, Nebraska 1965

Fried, H. Livet tillbaka, Narur och Kultur Stockholm, 1995

Fried, H. Ett tredje liv, N.& K. Sthlm 1997

In the Shadow of the Holocaust: The Second Generation

Volume 1, Fall 2000 Articles