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As Our Parents Age: Thoughts of a Daughter of Survivors


Margie Levitt,
Toronto

After chairing the community content of the conference on "Caring for the Aging Holocaust Survivor" I was asked to contribute my thoughts as the daughter of survivors. I said yes with some hesitation but before long I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I am not a health care professional. Having said that, I am a child of survivors and have worked on Holocaust related projects within the community for the past two years. Even then, what could I contribute? I hope that through my observations, there might be increased understanding. In order to do this, I knew that I'd really have to look inward and come to terms with many difficult experiences and situations, some of which I am not ready to share or deal with. My intuition unfortunately was right. After many sleepless nights, I called Paula at Baycrest and told her to ask someone else. I am not one to run from a challenge but this emotional piece at this point in my life was one that I was not up for. Well needless to say, you can imagine the discussion and here I am.

This talk is a work in progress. My name is Malka Rifka Riseman-Levitt. The daughter of Dorka Lukawitz from Chemlnick and Wily Riseman, from Wierbernick Olev Ha'shalom. I was named after both my Grandmothers. My name was anglicized when I started school, a suggestion made by Canadian friends of my parents. The idea being that it wasn't right to send me to a public school in the Gentile neighbourhood with an ethnic name. Margaret was chosen, it never took. The teachers started by calling me Margie and my family always Malka, Malkala - my Mother, Mame, and of course when I get into trouble my husband, John calls me Margaret.

I lived with my parents and my father's two younger brothers until I was 6. As you can well imagine, I was spoiled not materially but with an abundance of love and affection. Imagine an only child, a girl, the miracle child born after the war living with 3 survivors, cherishing every breath I took. I was so blessed. The bond was cemented. However a large component was missing. There were no older people in my life - no grandparents and when I asked "why" there were tears and a story about a terrible man named Hitler and how he took them away during the war and that was that. They didn't dwell on it. They were hard at work trying to raise a family, learn a new language, build a business, rebuild their lives and secure the future. During the passing years little bits and pieces of their ordeal were gradually revealed.

My experiences growing up were different from that of my friends and it wasn't until my teens that I really started to see or even try to begin to understand the impact the war had had on my parents and in turn on me.

When I was asked to help work on the conference for Aging Survivors - I needed clarification on what was the difference between aging Holocaust Survivors and any other people who were aging. I felt that aging in itself must be a very difficult process. How may times have I heard from various older people I knew, that although their bodies were aging, in their minds they felt as young as before. How were Survivors different? I met with a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a social worker and I found out that there indeed was a difference. That difference being that survivors all experienced serious trauma, yet each has a unique history.

As a matter of fact when I asked the psychiatrist what the 5 most common differences were, she was puzzled and even slightly angered by the question "you cannot simplify or generalize this statement". Every situation has a different trigger, which comes from its own particular or ongoing trauma. You may never know the whole story or when or what the trigger will be until the situation plays itself out. Even though it happened 50 years ago there are still deeply embedded memories and you have to try to understand why survivors may have special reactions to every day situations. Although survivors can look and act similar to other elderly it is the way they react to a situation that is different. Their thinking process has been altered because of the trauma which they experienced and therefore their reaction to situations are different.

Aging
Most survivors lost their grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and extended family members. They were robbed of watching their relatives age and therefore they could not fulfil their role as children to their parents. Survivors have an image of how they would have treated their parents and what their relationship would have been like. It is upon these illusions that they base their expectations on us. They had no role models. For us this is uncharted ground - we also grew up without role models. We weren't able to observe our parents looking after the elderly.

Illness
From the time I was quite young I recognized that my parents had different needs, especially when they were hospitalized. The conference on Aging Survivors that I was involved in not only validated my feeling but also gave me the knowledge, understanding and opportunity to explore those needs in great depth.

My father was sick most of my life and now I know that his being a survivor made a difference in how he managed his many illnesses, recoveries and his attitude towards some of his doctors and caregivers. Today I totally understand the "triggers" but back then it was only a gut feeling and the whole notion that because he was a survivor and that maybe his treatment should be looked at differently was non existent.

When my mother became quite ill 4 years ago I felt it was very important to let the doctors and nurses understand that she was a survivor and how in her situation certain steps taken would be beneficial. For the most part I found them to be very understanding, and when they could accommodating. They also became very aware that they were going to be dealing with me since I was going to be there all the time. I was basically her whole family. I was there with her as well as for her. This is the case whether she as a head cold or a serious illness.

Death & Dying
Another area of anguish seems to be centred around death and dying. Once again survivors were robbed of observing a natural process of being able to attend their loved one's funerals and to mourn. Remember, they were separated, taken away and never saw family members again or even worse they were witness to horrific acts. Therefore they were less equipped to deal with death and dying. The second generation was born during the mourning period. When someone passes away the precious lose not only becomes - our parent, relative, family friend but also a part of family history and history itself which is then lost. Loss of a spouse can be devastating. For many this is the second spouse they have lost. Their spouses know first hand where the other had come from and through and together they shared a life that not too many of us can relate to.

When the Witnesses are Gone - Questions Will Arise
Who do you ask? Who knows the family histories? What happened before the war, during and even after the war? What are the names of the family members who perished. Who were they? What did they do? As the children of survivors we are lucky if these questions have been answered, and if not, and it is still possible, we should be asking. When our parents go we will then inherit the responsibility for the legacy.

Importance of the Landsmanshaft.
When survivors resettled they often joined a society of people from their home towns. Here they met landsman who came before and after the war. The society represented a link to the past, provided a social milieu for the present and a foundation for the future.

To me a lot of these people became extended family members. For me as well as other second generation the ties to these societies and their members are very special. For the Toronto Chmelniker Society we go to the cemetery between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipper for Kaddish - this year there were 4 new graves. Not only did it effect the survivors but we all felt it. Everyone is aging and although it is normal at this stage in life, every time someone passes away we all feel a loss - we attend the funeral, the Shiva and we all mourn - there goes another link to the history. The Haskarah takes place the Sunday after Simach Torah - the day the selections were made. We have a Memorial Service followed by a breakfast followed by a speaker. Up until recently many 2nd generation came out of respect for their parents - now many come for themselves and are bringing their children.

Everyday Living:
For so long the parents were silent because of what happened to them at a young age. Now we; their children are silent because they are afraid of what will happen to their parents. It seems that when there is more involvement, the relationship is more intense because of their history. They've suffered so much already that we just want to make it easier for them - we want to protect them, shield them from any unnecessary problems.

The survivor family is smaller in size. There are fewer family members to help with varying situations. Times are different - more people are working. Jobs and even early retirement sometimes means relocating. Fortunately some of our parents are living longer. No one was prepared for survivors to live this long - especially due to the hardships they had endured.

The health care system has changed drastically and there is definitely more required from family members in numerous ways. It is becoming harder to balance everyone's needs. Recently I was asked - Is there a difference between daughters of the general aging population and daughters of survivors. I'd have to say absolutely. For the most part, we have become highly sensitized to their needs. A long time ago I learned that from emotion you can feel but from knowledge you can act.

Holocaust education and meeting the needs of survivors is an area which as been personally important to me. When I was younger, learning about the Holocaust meant learning never to forget. Now that I am older, learning means finding ways to better care for and meet the needs of aging parents, aunts, uncles and friends.

For our survivors; I feel we must honour the lives of those who survived under the most traumatic conditions. We can only attempt to understand what a long and hard road they have had to travel. We are so grateful for their strength and courage, for their commitment to us to carry on in the face of unspeakable adversity. We must do our best to be there for them and to look after them, to respect their wishes and their needs in the loving and dedicated way in which they have looked after us. To quote Holocaust Education week

"You Shall Teach Your Children".