“Hi Mom, it’s Anna”

Visiting with Elders is a 60-page booklet featuring practical strategies for staying emotionally connected with elderly relatives despite the toll dementia exacts. It was published as a resource for families of residents of the Apotex Centre, Jewish Home for the Aged at Baycrest, but its principles apply to any situation where a visitor is trying to have a good visit with an elderly relative.

One key recommendation is to not expect your loved one to respond to questions that require them to recall or describe events. Don’t, for example, ask your mother to tell you about her day or what she had for lunch. Instead, keep it in the here and now: “It’s good to see you today, Mom,” or “I’ve brought some new pictures to show you.”

The book’s author Ruth Goodman, a professional practice leader in social work at Baycrest, says it “offers hope for all those who are struggling to understand the impact of changes in cognitive capacity in the people they love. It suggests a way of understanding the older person as someone who maintains a sense of identity that continues to evolve and that needs affirmation from all the people in their day-to-day lives.”

Do not, for example, ask your mother to tell you about her day or what she had for lunch. Instead, keep it in the here and now: “It’s good to see you today, Mom,” or “I’ve brought some new pictures to show you.”

Her inspiration came from observing nursing home residents over many years. “They were my teachers. Many of them were experiencing significant cognitive deficits. I witnessed their amazing capacity to still respond to social stimuli, to tell stories, to engage socially with others in their world. I figured out what they understood by trying different ways of connecting to them.”

People who have dementia are sometimes assumed to have lost all of their cognitive abilities.

Not so, says Goodman. Just because a person can’t remember what they had for breakfast doesn’t mean they have lost all other capabilities. And, provided they are in a caring and enlightened environment, elderly people are more likely to make good use of their remaining skills.

Our personhood is defined by more than just our ability to remember, Goodman stresses.

“Things that give meaning, pleasure and purpose in life still hold true for people who have cognitive losses. By continuing to see elders with memory loss as members of the community – people who still need to feel useful and validated – and by creating living environments that support their remaining strengths, we champion the self that remains intact.”

Goodman remembers one family of four sons whose father didn’t respond when they visited him in the nursing home. Formerly a gregarious and sociable man, he was severely cognitively impaired due to dementia. But one son found that his Dad liked a gentle massage at the beginning of each visit. That one simple approach allowed the brothers to have more emotionally rewarding visits with their father.