Just as there is a Jewish way of life, there is a Jewish way of approaching death and grief.

This page serves a basic guide to Jewish procedures, laws and customs surrounding loss and funerals. If you have a rabbi, you may also want to speak to them for guidance on practices that are specific to your own community.

When someone you love is dying

As much as we may fear death, remember that all things pass and that all that lives must die. It can help if you:

• Are gentle with yourself
• Take meaningful breaks to bring rest, refreshment and distraction
• Allow yourself to feel your emotions
• Are open to moments of blessing in the midst of pain and sadness
• Say good-bye by expressing love or apologizing for the past
• Remember there is a time to let go
• Reflect on what death can teach us about the mystery and beauty of living and dying

What to do when death is near

Judaism teaches that life is the integration of soul and body into a single being. In death, the spiritual self will separate from the physical self. The body will inevitably fail and disintegrate, but the soul is eternal and indestructible.

When your loved one is near death:

• If possible, find out what their wishes are for their death and funeral.
• Some people will want their family around them at the time of death while others prefer to be alone.
• Call on your rabbi or chaplain for help at this time.
• It is traditional to recite the viddui, a confessional prayer, right before or at the moment of death.

Arranging for a shomer

It is your responsibility to arrange for a shomer to watch over the deceased and recite prayers until they are transferred to a funeral home.

You or your designate may sit with the body as a shomer for up to two hours in the Apotex or hospital room. When the body is moved to our morgue, the shomer sits in the next room.

You can contact outside individuals or sacred societies to find a shomer. At Baycrest, we also have a list of people you can contact to perform this service for a fee.

Family responsibilities

Each family has different spiritual and religious needs. You are responsible for:

• Contacting your synagogue, if you belong to a congregation
• Choosing a funeral home and making arrangements
• Telling our staff which funeral home you are using
• Arranging for proper guarding and recitation of prayers for the deceased

Baycrest responsibilities

Our chaplains can offer support if you don’t have a rabbi or until your rabbi arrives. This may include:

• Bereavement support
• Explaining the funeral and burial process
• Helping you cope with the loss
• Helping you find meaning and significance
• Leading rites, rituals and prayer

Please note that our chaplains are not available to sit as a shomer.

Our social workers are also available to offer support. This may include:

• Contacting the family and rabbi when a death has happened
• Connecting families to resources for financial assistance
• End-of-life and bereavement support

Jewish laws and customs around death

Jewish tradition understands grief and provides rituals and customs to help people heal. These practices focus on surrounding the grieving with a caring and supportive community.

Mourning

In Judaism, mourning is a religious obligation for seven relatives: mother, father, spouse, sister, brother, son and daughter. Others may also choose to participate in mourning rituals, but it is not required.

According to the Talmud, there are six stages of grief:

• Aninut – From the time of death until the funeral
• Aveilut – Seven days of shiva beginning right after the funeral
• Shloshim – The thirty days (including shiva) following the burial
• Shanah – For parents, eleven months from the day of burial
• Yahrtzeit – The anniversary of the day of the death
• Yizkor – Annual memorial services held in the synagogue on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, the last day of Passover, and Shavuot

Preparing the body

Honouring the dead includes preparing the body with care and respect. Taharah is the ritual washing and purification of the body. This is done by funeral home staff or trained members of the community’s hevrah qadishah (holy friends) who perform it with love and devotion.

The body is then traditionally dressed in simple white linen shrouds called takhrikhin with no pockets to remind us that we take nothing with us when we go. However, some families choose to dress their loved ones in clothing that held special meaning.

Jewish tradition strongly discourages embalming which preserves the body. Instead, the return of the body to the dust is a high priority. For this reason, there is also a preference for a simple wooden casket.

Traditionally, the body is buried with only a tallit (prayer shawl) and earth from Israel. However, some families add small mementos like photos or letters.

Cremation is frowned upon, especially since the Holocaust.

The shomer

Jewish tradition says that the body should be respected and guarded after death. A shomer is someone who watches over the deceased and reads from Psalms. This can be a family member but does not have to be.

The funeral

In Jewish tradition, the burial ideally takes place within 24 hours of death. While this is not always possible, rabbis and Jewish funeral homes are prepared for this. Do consider:

• When clergy is available
• Funeral home and cemetery availability
• How soon the family can gather
• Transfer of the deceased from local authorities
• Whether the body needs to be transported
• Personal considerations such as the time of day for the meal of condolence

The funeral is an opportunity for family and friends to find comfort in prayer and reflect on the life of the person who died. It usually includes:

• Opening words
• Prayers and readings
• Eulogies
• Chanting the memorial prayer

The burial

Being present at the funeral and burial is an important way to support the family and honour the deceased.

A visible symbol of mourning is the k’riah, which is the tearing of a piece of clothing or a black ribbon that represents a torn heart.

At the graveside, the mourners recite the Qaddish, which is a prayer that praises and affirms our belief in God.

After the casket is lowered into the ground, family and friends are invited to place earth into the grave. Those in attendance then form two rows for the mourners to walk through. It is traditional to say, “HaMakom y’nachem etkhem b’toch sh’ar abeilei Tzion v’Yerushalyim.” (May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”)

It is then customary to wash your hands when you get home from the cemetery.

The first year of mourning

Jewish tradition roots grieving in family, community and ritual.

During shivah – a seven-day period of mourning following the funeral – the community visits the bereaved to share memories and prayers. This begins immediately after the funeral with a meal of condolence that includes foods like eggs or lentils that represent the cycle of life.

Mourners often light a special candle, sit on low stools, cover mirrors and refrain from regular pleasures. This is a sacred time to grieve, remember and begin healing.

Jewish mourning continues with shloshim – a 30-day period after the burial – when mourners may recite the Qaddish daily, often in synagogue. This practice helps mourners stay connected to their community and gradually return to everyday life.

The deceased loved one is remembered throughout the year at the unveiling of the gravestone on the yahrtzeit (anniversary of death) and during Yizkor which are memorial services held on important holidays. Lighting a 24-hour candle and giving to charity are other ways to honour a loved one’s memory.

Learn more about yahrtzeit and Yizkor.